


a kiss while dying

by tevinterimperium



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-14 15:58:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4570590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tevinterimperium/pseuds/tevinterimperium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Archer isn't <em>gay</em> or anything. He just wants to double check. Or something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a kiss while dying

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe i actually sat down and wrote this  
>  
> 
> set during season 5, right after "southbound and down"

Lana jokingly says, “Maybe you’re gay or something!” while they’re driving back from Charles and Rudi’s house, and Archer tells her to shut up, and she does. That’s not really the point, though. Like, Archer  _knows_ he’s straight, because he’s  _the_ Sterling Archer, but Lana’s comment digs under his skin more than it should. Kissing some dying guy as he lays in your arms doesn’t really account for anything, right? Right. He’s  _the_ Sterling Archer. Ramón wasn’t even that hot.

Still, though. It’s not like Sterling’s heterosexuality and hyper-masculinity are hanging precariously over his head with a single thread, but it’s a bit unsettling, right? He’s gotten comments about him being gay and he never really  _thinks_ about them, because he thinks girls are hot, so, not really his issue. And, sure, Ramón referred to their relationship as if they had a  _history,_ but Sterling knows it wasn’t  _that_ kind of history so it didn’t matter. Lana is just an ass, anyway.

When they get back to the mansion, though, Sterling still feels a bit weird. He’s just seen a man that he  _cares for_ die right in his arms, and he also made out with him. And then he stole the cash. And then the cash wasn’t real. Ramón died for  _nothing_ and Sterling can’t do anything about it.

So it’s fine, for a while. Archer feels his stomach sort of flip when he thinks about it, but Lana doesn’t make any comments and neither does his mother, after a certain point. They’re focusing on bigger things for the time being and such situations require, unfortunately,  _not_ focusing on Archer’s issues. They have to deal with the aftermath of Pam’s addiction and their accounts of treason, both of which are wholly unsuccessful and ultimately result in either a loss of their product or a loss in cash. Archer deals with it but it’s sort of nagging at the back of his mind.

When they get back from Texas, and Cherlene has the record deal all set, and Pam stops eating cocaine in the weird snow-cone style that she adopted on their road trip, Archer decides to ask Ray about the situation. It’s not like it’s still bugging him or anything, but it’d be nice to clear it up so he doesn’t have to deal with this later on when he’s drunk and contemplating all of his life decisions. Or something.

Ray is walking again, which is a plus. Well, Krieger was manipulating his bionic legs for a while there, but he can generally control his entire lower half without much of an issue. Sterling felt a little bad when the cybernetics went out because of him when they were underwater, but it was _totally_ worth it to see Ray’s cute blushing-face and tickle him until he screamed. That was absolutely a blast.

Ray is drinking when Archer finds him, which isn’t really a surprise. Everyone in the mansion is either an alcoholic or addicted to cocaine or pregnant, except for Archer, because he can stop drinking whenever he wants to. He has complete control over every single one of his bodily functions and has absolutely no need for any sort of rehabilitation process. 

Archer says, “Hey, Ray,” when he sees him, even though they’re passing in a hallway and Ray is going in the opposite direction. He then turns around, takes a sip of whatever he’s drinking — it seems that scotch on the rocks has gained popularity since the entirety of ISIS has moved in together in the Tunt mansion — and puts on his most unamused face.

“Yes, Archer?”

Sterling begins with, “So, you’re gay, right?”

“No. I just fake it because I like to hear all of your mother’s homophobic comments. They’re the highlight of my day.”

(Ray has gotten really good at deadpanning.)

“Okay, so,” Archer says, throwing an arm around Ray’s shoulders and walking towards the music room, “Like, you know, when you were, like, five or something, when you realized you were into sucking dicks or whatever —,”

“Yeah, definitely. Surely that’s all that gay people do. Suck dicks.”

“Well, you can suck  _my_ —,”

“Archer. Continue.”

Ray takes another sip of his scotch and sighs a little bit through his nose, but Archer doesn’t really notice. He opens the door to the room with his free hand and breezily shuts it behind them, his pace light. “So how did you, like,  _know,_ I guess.” He pauses for a second. “Like, was there some sign, or —?”

“Oh,  _no,_ ” Ray says, “I am  _not_ helping you deal with your sexuality revelation, Archer. _Not_ today.”

“But Ray —,”

“Listen, Archer, you can be attracted to both women and men. You don’t have to want to fuck every guy you see. Case in point,” Ray gestures between the two of them, “I don’t want to fuck  _you,_ but I do want to fuck _actually attractive men_.”

“Hey, I’m attractive —,”

“Archer —,”

“You  _totally_ wanted to — get it on with me back when you revived me. I felt your boner and everything. Don’t even deny that you french kissed me.”

“ _Archer._ ”

“What?”

Ray breathes really heavily out of his mouth, and then takes the final sip of his scotch before setting the now empty glass on the wooden coffee table, and then he turns back to face Sterling. “This isn’t my issue.”

“Listen, Ray,” replies Archer, “It sort of is. Who else am I supposed to turn to for my gay problems?” He sort of chuckles, here. “Not that you haven’t gotten enough of your  _own_ problems. Like, I mean, problems regarding gayness.”

“I’m sure if you have a problem with gayness, Mallory could help you out.”

Sterling makes a bit of a dramatic noise, and says, “You know what I mean,” while flopping onto the armchair and making a cloud of dust come from the seat at the movement. It’s entirely unclear as to how often the Tunt mansion was used before ISIS moved in, but it’s a bit worrying, considering that half of the house seems like it hasn’t been dusted in over fifty years. And Cheryl says she  _grew up here._ Archer gets lost down to breakfast half of the time, if he’s even awake for breakfast. He usually isn’t.

“Are we done here?”

“No,” Sterling says, resting his elbows on the arms of the chair. “So, you know that thing with Ramón, right?”

“Who?”

“Oh,” says Archer, “well, a while ago, I went on this mission to seduce this guy, named Ramón.”

“Yeah, I remember. You caused a fit. You wanted me to do it.”

“Listen to the  _story,_ Ray. So, I did this mission with Ramón, and he wasn’t  _too_ gay, so we became friends.”

(Ray makes a little bit of a huff here, rolling his eyes, mumbling _too gay_ under his breath.)

“And, you know, that was fine. It was kind of nice, actually. I think we had a bit of an emotional connection. We had  _history,_ if you know what I mean. This guy, was like, an absolute badass. But like, not in a gay way. He was just, like, cool. _Really_ cool. Like, the coolest —,”

“Are you trying to tell me that you had a crush on this guy?”

“ _What_?” Sterling half-shouts, sitting up quickly with a scowl spread across his face. “No,  _Ray,_ I didn’t have a  _crush_ on him. Psssh. That’s ridiculous.”

“Then get to the point of the story.”

“Oh, the point is that I made out with him while he died.”

Ray is quiet for a second, for once. 

Archer pauses, too, because it sounds sort of crude coming out of his mouth like that. Like, everyone tried to convince him that Ramón wasn’t  _actually_ dead and that it was a whole scheme, but Sterling has complete faith in Ramón and he doubts that he would do something like that. They had an  _emotional connection._ Ramón wouldn’t just lie to him and make him undergo that stress and pain just for cocaine, right? Right.

“So, what do you want me to say?” Ray asks, putting his hands on his hips. “I’m not some gay analyzer or some shit.”

“Well, I don’t know,” Sterling waves his hands around, “Gay people, like, understand other gay people.”

Ray purses his lips momentarily and looks at an unidentifiable spot on the ceiling, like he’s contemplating something. “Do you really want my help?”

Archer shrugs and says “Yeah,” but he doesn’t fully commit to it. He can’t make it look like he’s  _actually_ worrying about this, because he doesn’t want Ray gossiping with Lana about this and telling her that he’s gay or something. In fact, he doesn’t really want anyone knowing that he’s actually spending time on this whole issue. Especially not Cyril. Or Mallory. Or Pam. Or anyone, really. Especially not Lana.

Ray makes a little smacking noise, and then he sort of eyes Archer up and down with a judge-y expression on his face, and then he says “Alright,” and then he walks over right to where Archer is sitting in the chair. And then he puts both of his hands right on either side of Sterling’s face. Archer opens his mouth to make a comment, the first taunting note is already forming, but it’s stopped by Ray’s mouth being there. Against his mouth. Kissing his mouth.

And, sure, Ramón was the first guy that Archer has ever really, earnestly kissed, and it was  _weird,_ but this is even weirder. Maybe because Ray is actually alive? Ray is really warm and his lips are really, really soft. His tongue is sort of like a girl’s tongue, but it’s more forceful and tastes like scotch and it sort of tingles. The mustache tickles Sterling’s upper lip but not enough to make him pull away, because it turns out he’s already gone onto autopilot and is kissing Ray back. Which is weird. He’s not really thinking about it, because Archer has learned that when presented with an opportunity to kiss someone, you should normally take it, but this is  _Ray._ A _male._ With a _mustache._ A sort of tickle-y mustache.

Archer is still sort of reeling at the fact that Ray’s tongue has entered his mouth and is doing some pretty cool things when Ray pulls away. He drops his hands from the sides of Sterling’s face and wipes them on his pant legs, which is sort of rude. He then promptly eyes Archer up and down again, as if trying to find a verdict, and then smacks his lips together with finality before nodding.

He then says, “Yeah.  _Definitely_ bi,” before walking off.

Sterling shouts, "I knew you wanted to bone me!" even after the door's closed.

Ray doesn't hear him.

 


End file.
